Sober and awake at 3 in the morning.

 3:29am. Trying to cope with unemployment has shifted my clock. I guess there's no harm in trying something new for a bit. Is there? Maybe there is. Who am I kidding? Of course there is. That's what landed me here in the first place. Broke and awake at 3:29am. Well...3:32 am now. 

What was I thinking? Quitting my job as an auditor when the coronavirus outbreak in China was making headlines across the world. "You gotta find some peace Jess. You can't work 12 hour shifts in front of a laptop in an airconditioned coffin anymore. You gotta see sunlight when you leave the office." The sun is so pretty...and its light is warm. Warms you right to your bones...I'm getting off track. 

Where were we? Oh yeah..."the money isn't fair compensation for your time Jess. Or for the fact that you haven't written a single song in 2 years. Remember when you used to be a musician? Now you're just black and white and grey."

Brilliant plan Jess, quit right before a countrywide lockdown. "You can do gigs!" Oh, wait...those don't exist anymore. "You can teach!" Oh yeah...they're not hiring anymore. You can...oh go fuck yourself. 

You can tell your boyfriend you cheated on him and kept it a secret for 6 months, and then you can adopt a dog 2 days later to fill that hole in your heart. You can be broke and not have love in your life. So that's where you're at. 

Broke and unloved. 

Well...I suppose it could be worse. Chin up dearie. Don't take life too seriously. It'll all sort itself out. Life has a mysterious way of sorting itself out. You have a roof over your head. A wonderful sister who's blossoming like the most beautiful flower, and a best friend who can be slightly neurotic but incredibly loving. 

Yes...yes, I suppose life does have some crazy magical way of sorting itself out. Think happy thoughts. Look for signs...1111. That's gotta mean something right? 2222? Hmmmmm...intuhresting. Don't fight the flow. Run with the water. Wait, don't run...flow. Yup, that's better. Take a deep breath and just trust that the universe will catch you. 

Oh, sure the universe will catch you...while you lay in bed feeling sorry for yourself. When was the last time you did something to give the universe something to catch you with? A job application maybe? 

Well, my resume's out there. And I got this job today with Chegg tutors. And...the wheels are slowly turning. This kinda stuff takes time, right? Throw in the numb standstill of the coronavirus outbreak and you're basically swimming against the tide like those migratory salmon. Give yourself a break. Things will ease up. Things will get better. 

Better. Always searching for something in the future. You weren't happy then, you aren't happy now. Sure, you'll be happy tomorrow. In wise old Scarlett O'Hara's words: "Tomorrow is another day". Oh shit. It's tomorrow already. Are you happy? 

I think I am. I'm writing. I haven't written in a while and this feels good. Like doing stretches, but for my brain. My wet brain. My grey, soft, wet brain. Got sidetracked a bit there. Raymond Holt...am I right?